I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
