she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it glows. i had to have it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just had sex on a roof
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
