I haven't been this sober since birth.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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