I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
