dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
birth control should be required to get into college
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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