Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
