I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
