i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
