I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
