Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
