maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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