Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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