My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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