i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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