The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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