i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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