mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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