I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
