We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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