do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my shit smells like andre
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
