I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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