I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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