We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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