2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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