I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
