Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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