I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
