Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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