five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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