If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
