You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
