I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
