i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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