All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
