i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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