why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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