so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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