I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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