So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
