i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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