Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
