i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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