sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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