4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
