I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
