life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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