I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
