if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
