Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
