I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
